Only Bitches Snitch

From the Seattle Times:

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Ray Allen took no joy after the NBA issued a $10,000 fine to San Antonio's Bruce Bowen after he kicked the Sonics guard in the back on Sunday.

However, it appears Allen may have helped pursude Stu Jackson, the NBA's vice president of basketball operations, into assessing the fine.

"When we landed in Memphis I called Stu and asked him if he saw the game," Allen said after Tuesday's 98-97 victory against Memphis. "He said he watched it that night, and he didn't think much of it.

"He said I'm going to watch it again. I told him I was just sitting there and he kicked me in the back and something more should have been done than him getting a technical foul. Then he started watching it, and he thought I was on his ankle."

When asked about Bowen's penalty, Allen said: "What he got was about right."

Rashard Lewis, however, said he thought Bowen should have been suspended.

"First off, he should have been kicked out of the game," Lewis said. "That's number one. You don't do something like that and not lose some games."

Jackson befriended Allen years ago, and at times the Sonics guard seeks out advice. They talked after Jackson suspended Allen three games for fighting with Orlando's Kenyon Dooling.

"He said you've got to be able to hold your temper," Allen said. "Sometimes it's hard, he said, but you know how much money you make."

Hey Ray-Ray:

4/2/06 update: Pop agrees with us about Ray Allen's snitching. On the March 29th Pop Show, he called it "weak," said that it was "totally inappropriate" for a player to be calling the league office, and suggested that Ray-Ray's making such a big deal about it is a sign of his frustration with the defensive job done on him by Bruce, who has "gotten the better of [Allen] on numerous occasions." Way to tell it like it is, Pop, as you always do - except when the Spurs' secrets are at stake, that is.

Let's See You Run Things, Cuttino

Los Angeles Clippers guard Cuttino Mobley had this to say about Tony Parker after the Spurs beat them in Los Angeles.

"Tony's a really good player, but their offense is so easy to run," said. "You dribble it down, you give it to Tim, and those guys are knocking shots down and making plays. That team is deep enough that it's OK.

"If you miss Tim Duncan, then there's a difference. But you can make up Tony's 20 (points). And Finley's a starter anywhere else."

I guess that's why Tony Parker, not Tim Duncan, leads the team in scoring.

12 Games Left Until Playoffs

Reading Bramlet's post about Bob Hill ("Revenge of the Bitches") reminded me that for Coach Popovich the regular season has always been prelude to the post season that starts in April. Bob Hill didn't get that in 1996 and I doubt he gets it now.

Speaking of the post season, there are just 12 games left for the Spurs in the regular season. And 5 of those games are matchups against teams vying for a playoff spot, starting with tonight's contest against the LA Clippers:

• Tue, Mar 28: at Los Angeles Clippers
• Thu, Mar 30: at Los Angeles Lakers
• Wed, Apr 5: vs Sacramento Kings
• Fri, Apr 7: vs Dallas Mavericks
• Sun, Apr 9: vs Memphis Grizzlies

If you had asked me to make predictions 12 games ago, I would have predicted that neither Los Angeles team, then the 6 and 8 seeds, would make the playoffs, and that Sacramento and Houston would come on strong to snatch the last two spots. I figured that San Antonio would likely face Houston or New Orleans in the first round, followed by Dallas, then Phoenix, then Miami in the Finals.

Now it looks like both LA teams are in and the Spurs will face Sacramento, then Dallas, the Phoenix, then Miami, Detroit or even New Jersey in the Finals.

The Spurs beat the Mavericks decisively March 2 and will play them once more on April 7 at home. By then, we'll see if the Mavs have what it takes to make a serious run for the Western Title, or whether they'll have to settle for the 4th seed, as it now appears.

April looks like a cakewalk: of their last 10 opponents, only three are playoff contenders -- Washington, Dallas and Memphis. Unless the Spurs have a chance of catching the Pistons, or the Mavericks have closed the gap, look for Coach Pop to give his starters some rest.

Revenge of the Bitches

That loss to the Sonics was hard to swallow, considering that the Spurs went on a 9-0 run in the last couple of minutes to take the lead, and all it would have taken to win was a timeout by Robert Horry.

I hate losing to Ray Allen. I feel like kicking him too, Bruce, just as I feel like kicking everyone who gives the Spurs trouble. But you should save it for your retirement years. That's how you can keep yourself busy in your old age - go around kicking the asses of all the whiners who complained about you*. Anyway, for the Sonics to be complaining about dirty basketball is like Bush complaining about the U.S.'s dependence on foreign oil. Actually, their thug quotient probably isn't quite as high as it was in last year's playoffs, but I will always hold a grudge against the team whose fans cheered when Tim Duncan went down with an injury.

But what makes the loss especially painful is that the Sonics are now coached by Bob Hill. For those who don't know the backstory here, he was the Spurs' coach for a couple of seasons before Pop took over. The timing of his firing was transparently self-serving, and it brought down the wrath of the fans on Pop's head before he earned his reputation as one of the best coaches in the league.

Bob Hill, scapegoat for Gregg Popovich, whose ineptitude has cost the Spurs six championships in nine seasons that Hill would have won.

But that doesn't change the fact that it was the right move to make, as the three championships the team has won under Pop prove. Bob Hill led the team to a nice regular-season performance in 1995-96, followed by a humiliating playoff collapse against the Jazz. That's common knowledge. But what many fans don't know is that apparently key players on the team went to Pop and expressed their dissatisfaction with Hill. Granted, this is hearsay, but the people I've heard it from are reliable sources in my estimation.

What has earned Bob Hill the Wrath of the Bramlet is not his performance as the Spurs' coach, nor his understandable disappointment and anger at the time of his firing. It is his behavior in the years since. He has badmouthed Pop at every opportunity - this from the guy whose ten-year contract was bought out by Fordham University after only four years, because he elevated the program from a disappointing 14 wins in his first year to a stunning 2 in his last. Recently it came out that he allegedly badmouthed Smush Parker, who played for him at Fordham, to NBA scouts. And he also commented to the media the other night on the relative hotness of the women of "Desperate Housewives," including, obviously, TP's woman. Now that's class. Can you imagine Gregg Popovich ever being quoted as having said something like that to the media?

Coaching for Success: not a best-seller in the Fordham University bookstore.

Buck Harvey wrote an astonishingly frank ass-reaming of Hill a couple of months ago, when Hill was awarded the position of head coach after Bob Weiss was fired.

Popovich almost fired Hill immediately after Utah overwhelmed the Spurs in the 1996 playoffs. Popovich cared more about defense and playoff toughness than regular-season show. Hill was baffled. Wasn't it time for a contract extension?

Popovich pulled back, hoping for change. But Hill remained a detail-oriented technician who liked to do the work himself. The cooperative workplace that Popovich has created — where he wants his people to argue and disagree — never suited Hill.

Then Robinson's back went out, skewing everything. Hill's philosophy ate at Popovich more than the losses did, until Popovich made the worst decision of his career. He fired Hill on the day Robinson returned from injury.

Had Popovich waited a month — letting Hill go after a four-game losing streak — no one would have said a thing. But this way Hill became a martyr. The guy mostly known in San Antonio for wearing expensive suits suddenly was beloved.

Hill played to the sentiment. In his mind he was simply too good to be fired, when Hill has taken over three times in midseason the same way. In fact, every franchise but two has replaced its coach at least once since 1996.

The two? Utah and San Antonio.

So nearly every team could have had the magnificent Hill in these nine years. He instead stayed out of the league, and Hill has an explanation.

He told Seattle reporters this month that he was so "taken aback" by being fired that he "wanted a break" from basketball.

That's rich. When the Spurs fired Hill, he thought an assistant's position was beneath him. He would wait for the better jobs. Why coach a loser?

When it was clear no one was calling, Hill stopped being picky. He would have taken anything, anywhere and at any price. Hill's agent called one franchise so often in the late '90s that he was asked to stop. "Pestering" is the word the franchise used.

Then there's this from Shaquille O'Neal. Before the Lakers hired Phil Jackson to replace Kurt Rambis in 1999, Shaq thought Hill would be a good fit. The two were together in Orlando.

"But Jerry (West) didn't like Bob Hill," Shaq wrote in a book. "For some reason, nobody likes Bob Hill."

For some reason? Fordham knows one. The school stretched to give Hill a 10-year deal in 1999, and Hill later led the school to its worst record in 100 years.

He was fired. Only when Hill went back to New York recently with the Sonics, speaking again with the authority of a big-time NBA coach, could he properly frame this.

He blamed himself for taking the job. "I don't want to embarrass the school," Hill said about Fordham. "But it's never going to work there. The pace of the school is slow and you can't run a Division I program like that."

Exactly who should be embarrassed? Fordham has beaten Virginia and Penn this season, among others, and is competing like a Division I program.

But that's Hill. His opinion of himself has alienated peers and employers, and another opinion will have the same effect. He thinks if he had stayed in San Antonio and gotten Tim Duncan, "I would still be there."

He would have connected with Duncan and prompted him to re-sign with the Spurs? He would have brought the best out in a kid from France and plugged into an Argentine power? He would have won three titles?

If other teams thought that, they would have hired him long ago.

Harvey followed that up with an article that expressed sympathy for Bob Weiss and implicitly contrasted the way Weiss has handled his firing with the way Hill has behaved for the last ten years.

Mike Monroe, another San Antonio Express-News reporter, also recently wrote an article in which Hill claims that he built the foundation for the Spurs' championships. (By the way, nice job of getting Hill to say something about being stung by a scorpion as a hook for your story, Mike.)

At any rate, reading this amusing parody of Hill's attitude and ego certainly took some of the sting off Sunday night's loss:

Hill Outclasses Popovich by Kevin O'Keefe*

SEATTLE, WA - Though the game and final score were closer than expected, Bob Hill and his Sonics dispatched the hopeless Gregg Popovich and the San Antonio Spurs 106-102.

Hill, who cut a commanding figure on the sidelines, exuding a likeness reminiscent of a young and bespectacled General George Washington, repeatedly demonstrated to all impartial onlookers that the pock-marked Popovich, whose cheap threadbare zoot suits were clearly purchased at a Men's Warehouse factory outlet, could not match wits with one of the sideline giants of this or any era.

Indeed, it was solely though the efforts of beleaguered veterans Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Tony Parker - all of whom seem to bear the strain of playing for a short-sighted egomaniac tyrant - that the game was even a contest at all, rather than the farcical Sonic walkover expected by most.

Ray Allen, who has in common with his good friend and mentor Hill the mental toughness necessary to excel in the face of boorish thuggery (craven coward Bruce Bowen seems to be a slack-jawed mental zombie, unquestioningly playing dirty defense as ordered by his grim faced cruel superior), delivered heroically against tremendous adversity - Bowen attempted to jam his foot right through Allen's chest cavity in the second quarter in an incident some described as "brutal maimery of the lowest kind".

It was Allen's magnificent, shining rainbow three late in the fourth quarter which drove the stake right through the cold, miserly heart of Popovich. The Spurs also succumbed shortly thereafter.

Hill maintains his perfect record [no doubt this mistake was intentional, but for the record, the Sonics got their asses handed to them by the Spurs, 103-78, on February 21st] over the mental midget Popovich, who was reminded yet again of the dreadful mistake he made ten years ago.

*it's entirely probable that this is a piece of parody

I should have been the one to write something like that, damn it.

Kevin O'Keefe, for those who don't know, was a writer for the Express-News who constantly criticized and slandered Pop and also constantly pushed his personal Christian agenda. The credibility of the Express-News as a source of facts instead of truthiness (copyright 2005 by Stephen Colbert - check's in the mail, Stephen) skyrocketed after his firing.

To return to the original bitch in question here: I think it's time to get over your vaginal cramp, Bob, and just shut up about what happened a decade ago.

To his credit, Hill apparently has the support of his current players, and on Sunday night they definitely looked much more like the team that gave the Spurs trouble in last year's playoffs than they did earlier this year - a tough team that executes well. Maybe he's learned a few things (about coaching, at least) from all of his mistakes along the way.

But that doesn't mean that Bob Hill, his players, and their fans aren't bitches who deserve the spanking they will get on April 11th.


* With the exception of Michael Finley, of course, whose change in uniform has magically changed my perception of him. Fortunately, I can say that without being hypocritical, as Finley has acquitted himself in a convincingly non-bitch fashion in his time as a Spur, and I have no doubt that he and Bruce are now good friends.

Allen Accuses Bowen of "Dirty Basketball"

I guess it's for the best that Ray Allen won't be playing on the USA National Basketball team with Bruce Bowen.

"It's just dirty basketball. It's plain, outright, dirty basketball," Allen said. "You guys have chronicled our battles over the last couple of years and I don't mind the competition, someone going at me on both ends of the floor. ... But when guys start throwing elbows and kick you when you're down, that's dirty basketball and I don't respect guys like that."

Afterward, Bowen was apologetic, admitting it was a mistake. Allen believes the Spurs' forward should be fined.

"I did what I did and I'm sorry for that," Bowen said. "But there's nothing I can do to take it back."

During last year's Western Conference semifinals, Allen accused Bowen of playing "sissy basketball."

"I don't care for that type of basketball," Allen said. "I don't even call it basketball."

The Sonics won tonight's matchup, thanks to Allen's 3-pointer with 5.4 seconds left. I expect a different outcome, both for the Sonics and for Ray Allen, when these teams face each other again on April 11.

Man In The Box

Box. The Spurs forgot, in Denver:

1) BOX OUT

2) It was a BOXING MATCH, so the Spurs had to throw blows (the Nugs never stopped going for the face or trying to crush Tony)

Otherwise, the Spurs showed remarkable resilience in one of the most losable games left in the schedule.

On the road, a back to back (da squad usually loses these, as we've seen for months now), at mile-high (having lived in Denver and a few vigorous workouts at altitude, let me assure you there are reasons the Nugs, Avalanche, Rockies, and Broncos win there a lot beyond talent), against a strong, physical, playoff bound division rival and last year's playoff opponent...

and the team rallied from down deep and could have won saving Bruce's foul trouble.

No apologies, and our local Golden State Warriors put one on the _allas Mavs, *with* Dirk going for 51. What is it with the Warriors and the 51-pt. games, anyway? Antoine Jamison had back to back 51's when he played here and Kobe matched him one of those.

Bowen, btw, is in Olympic tryouts since he is such a fierce defender. In Denver, he was the only thing standing between Caramello and 51.

He now plays offense. He never misses games. His hands never stop moving. An announcer aptly described him as I r o n m a n.

Speaking of both vehemently political, psychedelic, brilliant British writers as well as comic books, go see V For Vendetta. If it's the only movie you go to in 2006, you will be glad.

Eva: "When the lights are out, he's the teacher."

I called it!

Just as I predicted, people were taking Eva's comment about being the teacher out of context, and now she has come out to defend her man's reputation:

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Eva Longoria, desperate to set the record straight, took to the entertainment-news shows Tuesday to tell the world that her beau, NBA star Tony Parker, is aces in the bedroom.

File it under Too Much Information, but Longoria told "Extra" and "Access Hollywood" that "when the lights are out, he's the teacher," ... and "I'm the student," she added to "Extra."

The revelation came in response to an article in the latest Allure magazine that quotes the "Desperate Housewives" star as saying that in matters of love, she was "the experienced one." International magazines seized the story, concluding - wrongfully, Longoria stressed - that Parker is a lousy lover.

You've gotta be kidding me that Tony Parker needs any coaching off the court. We all know that every Frenchman comes out of the womb ready to make some love. Hell, the French babies I've seen* try to seduce their own mothers while chowing down on nipple nectar. And when I saw Tony's dad in the stands the other day, I knew there was no way Tony was weak in the sack:

Take it straight to the hole, son!

You know TP must have taken some serious shit in the locker room for this. Brent Barry alone probably spent hours damaging his ego. But now that we all know that Le Pénétration doesn't just do his penetrating on the court, let's just move on, people. Nothing to see here! (Unless someone wants to post some hot pictures of Eva, that is.)

* I haven't seen any French babies, but then, I haven't seen any evidence that this claim isn't true.

I say, Sirs, this means war.

To Kenyon Martin and Bill Simmons:

I cannot abide these slanderous words and brutish actions. I demand satisfaction, Sirs!

That's one big-ass gauntlet I'm about to throw down.

I'm goin' Aaron Burr on yo' asses.

What has provoked the fury of the Bramlet, you ask?

Kenyon "so many insulting nicknames they have to be footnoted" Martin* is once again acting like a punk-ass bitch:

With the Spurs down 61-48 in the third quarter, Ginobili broke free for what looked like a certain dunk when Martin ran down and cracked him from behind. As Ginobili hit the court with a thud, Popovich stared at Martin and shouted, "That's bull...!" Martin smiled back.

A couple of minutes later, Martin hit Ginobili in the arm after the whistle, further incensing Popovich. In each instance, Ginobili simply pushed himself to his feet and stepped to the free-throw line.

It's gonna be ugly when CIA** smacks your ass, K-Mart.

Bill Simmons has also managed to arouse my ire...again:

Enrique, SA, TX: Bill, what were you thinking when you wrote that Spurs coach Greg Poppovich was going to retire after this season? Do you know how much money he would be walking away from if he did?

Bill Simmons: (1:30 PM ET ) I didn't, actually. The funny part was all the angry e-mails from the San Antonio era - is San Antonio a 3rd World country or something and nobody told me? I haven't seen that many misspellings and crazed threats in the history of my column... if there was a way to send e-mails in capital letters and crayons, that would have been the typical response from a Spurs fan. Do they have school systems there or is it simply home schooling and that's it?

In addition to insulting my hometown, the holy ground sanctified by the presence of the Admiral, the Ninja, and three Larry O'Brien trophies, you're giving Pearl Jam fans a bad name, Mr. Simmons. I will not stand for that. We're eccentric and obsessive, yes, but we're not assholes. I may just have to confiscate your PJ collection if you keep this up. And if you're a true Pearl Jam fan, you know that's the most intimidating threat I can make.

Good, I say good DAY, Sirs!

* Kenyon "Blue Light Special" Martin, Kenyon "3-23" Martin, Kenyon "TD's My Daddy" Martin, Kenyon "Cheap Shot" Martin, Kenyon "Never Beaten the Spurs in a Playoff Series But I'll Thump My Chest and Do Pushups in a Game Anyway" Martin, Kenyon "The Stutterer No One Feels Sorry for Because He's a Bitch" Martin...believe me, I could go on.

** Pop

Draft Adam Morrison!

This kid can play. Hard to believe he's a diabetic.

"Adam Morrison is a 20-point-a-game scorer in the NBA for a long, long time," one Western scout said. "The son of a bitch can score on anyone."

"He's like (Larry) Bird. He just finds a way to get the ball in the basket," a Southwest Division scout added.

"I've spent the last four months on the road, at least six games a week. If (Morrison) isn't the MVP, then they must be hiding the guy who is better," a Western scout said. "Morrison can do 10 things Redick couldn't dream of."

Eva Longoria: "I'm the teacher" and other comments

Once again, everyone's talking about Eva Longoria and Tony Parker.

Actually, I have a pretty positive impression of her and of her relationship with Tony - for one thing, people close to the team have said some positive things about her and seem to think that their relationship is serious and healthy. I also like the fact that she comes to a lot of the games, including road games in Oakland and perhaps elsewhere. Even better, since Tony got together with her, he has transformed into one of the best players in the league. Any Spurs fan in his right mind should be rooting for their relationship to continue on, happily ever after.

Hmmm...maybe if she slept with everyone on the team...

Nah. That might cause a problem.

Having kissed her lovely ass, I must now say that her comment to Allure about her grandmother is a little disturbing: she told the interviewer that her family has had to keep it a secret from her grandmother that Tony is black, because her grandmother would disapprove. You don't have to call out your grandmother in the media for being racist, Eva! In general, I appreciate your candor, but some things are better kept to yourself.

There's also a lot of talk, including some outrage, believe it or not, about her supposed comment that she's the teacher in the bedroom. From what I can tell, that comment is being taken out of context - it appears that she was referring to their relationship in general, not sex. But people love to have something to make a lot of hubbub and hullabaloo and ballyhoo about.

Personally, I don't give two shits of a lamb's ass. I'm only posting this in the hope of getting some more traffic to this site. To anyone who's reading this because you just did a google search for "Eva Longoria Tony Parker teacher bedroom sex," or "Tony Parker Eva Longoria Allure grandmother," or perhaps "Tony Parker public humiliation no good in the sack," I invite you to read some of our much more interesting and substantial content below and stop wasting your time with this kind of crap.

Spurs' bench is devastating...

* Brent Barry - since the very-near trade, just past the league deadline, Brent has started coming strong with bigger game. Nothing like being sent to obscurity off a championship squad to get motivated. His shooting % and minutes are up pretty noticably over the month. He's the best Barry still playing in TX at least.
* Michael Finley - also spelling Manu, buying valuable rest for his fellow All-Star guard, Mike's shooting is up pretty dramatically also. He's hitting .455 in the last 10 games. He's ready to fight for the title, make no mistake. This is crucial - the Spurs need depth and hungry all-stars to stay focussed on The Ring of Power.
* BIG SHOT Bob Horry - evidently he's healthy, judging from his skyrocketing shooting % also. He couldn't come back healthy and strong at a better time than now, especially with the injured elbow of...
* Nick the Quick VanExel - prior to the elbow really tightening up on him, he was good from beyond the arc about 45% of the time. Luckily he's especially getting rested because of...
*Beno Udrih - shooting 52% in March, getting over 20 minutes a game, and most importantly helping the Spurs win while Dallas keeps the pressure up as VanE and Manu get time on the bech. Beno doesn't need to play in the 4th quarter of Game 7's in the playoffs to make his bench impact for the Spurs. Beno is very, very important while the main shooters get rehab'bed for the playoffs. Thank you Beno... you are crucial in this Dynasty.
* Rasho - also more efficient, especially now coming off the bench. Rasho was HUGE in Houston, battling and bodying a much taller and more talented Yao Ming all night. The night after Nazr went off on the Suns but was probably exhausted, along with Tim. Rasho, like Beno, was crucial in defeating the Rockettes, and played very aggressively when we needed him. Big props. He helped win that game, big time.
* The Killer Kiwi, the Lord of the Ring from Middle-Earth itself (New Zealand), Sean Marks - did you realize he's hit 63% of his shots in San Antonio? With 3 or more days of rest he hits over 75% of his shots. He hit 8 of 9 against the Craptors (who couldn't honestly, but still). Not bad for a 6'10" guy. He's gotten some really key minutes where he's come through for us. He's hit 9 of his last 11 shots.

Pundits place podes in pie-holes

In the last few days two articles by noted basketball pundits have left me a tad disturbed. (Both of them, by the way, are examples of the media's - and the NBA's - radical anti-Spurs agenda, a topic on which the sleuths at SpursDynasty will be offering a complete expose in the coming weeks.)

I would feel sorry for these victims of foot-in-mouth disease, but they obviously hate the Spurs and worship the devil.

One problem that both of these pundits have is that they often make harsh judgments about teams based on a very small sample of their play. While this is somewhat understandable, given that they have 30 teams to keep up with, they should be careful about making broad generalizations based on such a limited sample of data - especially when they're talking about the defending champions.

The lesser of these journalistic travesties occur in an article written by Charley Rosen, whose point-by-point breakdowns of individual games is by far the most exhaustive analysis of NBA basketball available on the Internet, as far as I know. Although I don't always agree with his conclusions or the way in which he expresses them, I have nothing but respect for his ability to analyze games. However, there are two things about this article that should bother any true Spurs fan.

First, the title of the article is "These Suns just won't stop rising," even though the Spurs won the game in question, have more or less dominated the Suns the last two seasons, and are the defending champs. The Suns are very impressive, and unquestionably fun to watch, but they haven't won anything yet, Charley.

Second, in his zeal to give evidence of the Suns' admittedly beautiful passing, he states that the Suns had 28 assists to the Spurs' 21. Actually, Charley, you've got it backwards: the Spurs, as a team, are at least as unselfish and skilled at passing as the Suns, and they were the ones who diced up the Suns' "defense" to the tune of 28 assists. But then, that sort of information wouldn't fit the media's anti-Spurs bias, so they rarely play up this aspect of the champs' greatness.

These are relatively minor transgressions in comparison to some of the ridiculous and completely unfounded comments made by Bill Simmons in his monthly "Big Picture" feature, which he posted on Friday, before the Spurs' game against the Suns:

B) Stick a fork in Nick Van Exel. He's done. Same for Michael Finley. Brent Barry was never good for them in the first place. Neither was Rasho Nesterovic. Beno Udrih stinks. And Big Shot Rob is on cruise control until May, as always ... one of these years, he's not going to have anything left in the tank. By the way, I just listed six of their 10 best guys.

C) At halftime of the Clips game, I wandered down to the court to talk to my friend Strik, and we ended up watching the Spurs warming up for the second half ... the players were just going about their business in silence, like 12 businessmen quietly filing through an airport on their way to baggage claim or something. Watching them interact (or not interact), I said to Strik, "Look at that, they're like an old married couple." Strik joked, "You can't blame 'em, these guys speak like nine different languages."

But their whole season has been like that: They seem tired of each other, tired of their coach, tired of playing these 110-game seasons. Poor Duncan looks like he just wants to climb into a jacuzzi and disappear for about 10 months. Even when they rally to the occasion, like with
the Dallas game a couple of weeks ago, you never get the sense that they're having that much fun. It's just a grim team. You can win one playoff series like that, and maybe even two, but not four. At some point, somebody else will have too much energy for you. I bet this is Popovich's last season. Just a gut feeling.

Obviously, I don't need to tell you, the Spurs' faithful who have bothered to watch more than one game in the last month, how wrong he is on just about every count. But in response to these ridiculous claims, I sent the following e-mail to Mr. Simmons (and in reading over this again, I must compliment myself on the remarkable degree of restraint I showed):

Mr. Simmons:

I suggest you watch the Spurs a little more before coming to the sweepingly dismissive conclusions you shared in your article today (“Tuning in the NBA’s big picture,” March 17, 2006). Your comments about Finley, Barry, and Udrih were especially inaccurate (as even a glance at recent box scores would prove), as were your observations about the mood of the team and your conjecture about Pop's impending retirement. You caught the Spurs on a bad night, to say the least. Don't forget that despite a number of factors that have gone against them this season, they still have the best record at this point in the history of the franchise. Given Tim and Manu's struggles, how could they have possibly achieved that with "six of their best ten guys" stinking it up? Tony Parker is good, but he's not THAT good.

Based on your logic, last year's Spurs would have been disqualified from championship contention after their horrendous early-season loss to the Raptors, who came back from a
19-point deficit and outscored the Spurs by 24 in the fourth. Anyone who saw that performance (which at least gave me a chance to refurnish my living room) would have had a hard time believing that the Spurs would win the championship that year. And we both know how that turned out.

Obviously you can't be expected to watch every Spurs game and read every seemingly
insignificant scrap of Spurs-related news, as I do, so I'll make things easy for you: check out www.spursdynasty.com once a week, and we'll sift through all of that media noise to give you the crucial information that will prevent you from having to eat your words in the playoffs. In the process of doing so, we'll also try to give you a bit of entertainment. You might find our recent "SpursDynasty Purity Test" particularly interesting. (But don't be dismayed by your inevitable
low score - we'll make an exception to our unjustifiably exclusive standards for you.)

I appreciate your humor, Mr. Simmons, but next time, please do a little more research before making outlandish claims about the reigning NBA champions.

Yours in hoops,

Bramlet

Bill Simmons, if you don't come to our website, you're a coward.

Edit, 3/22/06: Now that Mr. Simmons has retracted the following statement,

"It's officially the end of an era: I found out that Pearl Jam has a new album coming out and wasn't even remotely excited."

with the following response to a fan in a chat,

Pat (Newark, NJ): I know you're not excited about the new Pearl Jam album, but the new single is good. Think you'll try to see them live?

Bill Simmons: (2:12 PM ET ) Wait a second... I never said that I wasn't excited about the new Pearl jam album. I said that, for the first time in my life, I heard that Pearl Jam had a new album coming out and didn't think, "Holy crap, it's a new Pearl jam album! Yippee!" Doesn't mean I won't buy it and hope it's good. And by all accounts, this has all the makings of a major comeback album. Now I'm excited about it.

I'm giving him a free pass on his comments about the Spurs...THIS time. But I still have a bone to pick with your suggestion that Pearl Jam need a comeback, Mr. Simmons. A comeback in the minds of the masses who either (a) have no taste or (b) can't get over their mistaken preconceived notions about Pearl Jam, yes, but in the minds of those of us with functioning brains and sensory organs, they never left.

For this sin, my son, you must repent by isolating yourself in a soundproof room and listening to "Binaural" and "Riot Act" ten times each.

Allahu Akbar! or, Nazr "The Prophet" Mohammed causes extreme curvature of spacetime as Suns collapse

My man Nazr went for 30 points and 16 boards, and was unstoppable on the offensive glass, as the Spurs beat the Suns 108-102.

I hope this image of the Prophet throwing it down won't result in the burning of any KFC franchises in the Middle East.

Hmmm...on second thought, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Damn factory-farm-supporting infidel bastards. Colonel Sanders hates Islam!

(By the way, please, dear readers, don't hesitate to let the guy who runs rightwinged.com know what you think. This guy sorely needs a dose of reality. But then, some people don't want reality - they're satisfied with truthiness.)

Another highlight of the game: once again, the Suns' defense was predicated on packing the middle and giving Tony Parker the outside shot. And once again, Le Roi* made them pay, knocking down a number of open jumpers in crunch time, off passes from Manu. A year ago, who could have imagined the Spurs purposefully running an offensive set like that in the fourth quarter of a tight game? Unbelievable. That's how much confidence Pop has in TP's outside shot.

The Spurs' game plan tonight was interesting, and quite different from the strategy they usually employ against the Suns. Instead of concentrating on giving help defense when Nash penetrated (usually, it's the consistency and quality of their help defense that sets the Spurs apart from other NBA teams) , they chose to protect the passing lanes to prevent Nash from passing out to shooters on the perimeter for open 3-pointers. At first, I was frustrated at what I saw as a failure of the Spurs to make proper defensive rotations - and to Suns coach Mike D'Antoni's credit, the Suns were smartly pulling the Spurs' big men out above the wings to make their normal rotations more difficult. But Sean Elliott's insightful commentary set me straight, as he pointed out that the Spurs' defenders were intentionally staying with their men away from the ball. As a result, the Suns only hit 7 3-pointers against the Spurs, as opposed to 16 (!) in their 126-95 decommissioning of the rudderless Clippers on Wednesday. (That's a difference of 27 points, for the math-challenged among you - I used a calculator, myself.**) Another aspect of the Spurs' strategy was focusing more heavily on offensive rebounding. Normally, especially against a team like the Suns, the Spurs will do everything possible to shut down their opponent's transition offense, at the expense of offensive rebounding. But since Phoenix had no one in the middle capable of holding off Nazr and TD, they feasted on a smorgasbord of easy putbacks, which more than made up for the 18 fast break points the Spurs gave up. I don't think I've ever seen a team outrebound its opponent as badly as the Spurs did on the offensive glass - the Spurs had 26 offensive boards to the Suns' 8.

Mike D'Antoni has won my respect for what he's accomplished this year without Amare Stoudemire. But as the Spurs' strategy befuddled the Suns, who were no doubt caught off guard, Pop once again showed D'Antoni who's really the daddy among NBA coaches.

The bunny is D'Antoni, if you weren't sure what to make of this.

And once again, the Spurs showed that they can adjust to any style that the opposition plays, and take advantage of whatever weaknesses a team has. It was breathtaking to watch...for a Spurs fan, of course.

* warning: arbitrary self-promotion

** Not really.

Bramlet's prediction about the outcome of tonight's game

TP and the Spurs are going to introduce Steve Nash to the Special Olympics:

Robert Horry "Almost" Bit Jerry Stackhouse

If you still haven't seen the photos of Robert Horry biting Jerry Stackhouse, we've got them here.

Ok, now you can listen to what Horry has to say about the incident.

That article on the Spurs' endless search

The link for the article you're looking for has been moved here.

Enjoy!

Fistful of Funk

Hola Amigos,

Been a while since I rapped at ya.

Many thoughts to share, so maybe we should do it player by player:

• Tony Parker – during the preseason, I was playing some NBA Live and noticed that Parker can pretty much score at will on the move unless you jack the CPU defense up a lot. Pretty much like real life, except of course being Le Penetration is a whole lot cooler in Actual Reality than Nintendo (Eva feels it).. TP made the All-Star game, and deservedly so. Now he’s canning them from range. As he adds consistency and range to his game, he is, as Steve Kerr points out, becoming “unstoppable.”
• Manu Ginobili – still an All-Star player, even if he missed some games. He was part of the 3-headed Blackjack monster at the Lakers (Manu, Tony, Michael each scored 21 in LA), then lit the Suns up on the road trip. A healthy Manu in the playoffs is more than most teams can handle, and now he has serious backup.
• Tim Duncan – who cares if his stats are down? The number that matters… Finals MVP awards… is at an all-time high.
• Nazr Mohammed – good friends of the Dynasty, Casanova and RayNay both pointed out the significance of Nazr’s return to prominence, especially starting in front of Rasho. He brings aggressive game, and the Spurs’ trainers finally convinced him to use stick-‘em on his hands instead of Crisco. His ball handling skills and opportunistic rebounds, put-backs, and dunks are peaking at the right time. It’s all about peaking.
• Bruce Bowen – has finally convinced me what Bramlet has been saying for about a year now; Bruce Lee can score on the move now. True, he has gotten torched this season a few times, but let’s see anyone else contain the 32 best basketball scorers in the world a few times a year each. Bruce’s scoring is dramatically improved, and points are precious when the playoff defense comes.

More to add next time – I will cover the bench and move on to some other observations.

Asterisk for Spurs Loss to Lakers

Thanks to the Kobe-centric programmers over at ABC, I didn't get a chance to watch the Spurs beat the Rockets today. But I did catch this remark by Brent Musberger during the Lakers-Sonics game, regarding the Spurs recent loss to the Lakers:

MUSBERGER: The Lakers have won four of their last five and they're coming off their biggest win of the year, the other night in San Antonio, 100 to 92.

You might want to give it just a slight asterisk. It was back-to-back games for the Spurs -- and they have struggled in that department this year, as most teams in the NBA do -- but they were coming off a tough up-and-down game in Phoenix the night before.

But nevertheless, the Lakers under Phil Jackson played a solid team game that night. And earlier they had beaten Detroit here, 105-94.

So you could say -- certainly Bill, I agree with you -- this is the best streak of the year for the Lakers.

The First Official SpursDynasty Purity Test

Spurs fans often make me feel like a counselor faced with the age-old, platitudinous, cheesy 80's-music question “How do I know whether I’m really in love?” Often, as I’m walking along the street, minding my own business (i.e. designing food-poisoning schemes to use against the Pistons or plotting against the integrity of Amare Stoudemire’s knee), I’m approached by wannabe Bramlets who ask me, “Bramlet, how do I know whether I’m really a Spurs fan?” Until today, I always gave them the true, if all too obvious, reply of “If you have to ask that question, then you’re not a Spurs fan. Crawl back into the turd from whence you came, miserable worm.” But today I had an epiphany about how to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the virtuous from the damned.

Friedrich Nietzsche wrote that the health of a society and of individuals can be measured by the number of parasites they can tolerate. Similarly, the health of a professional sports franchise can be measured by how much disgust and disappointment its fans can tolerate without, after driving over their bobble-heads and burning their jerseys, taking the final step of renouncing all past, present, and future ties to the team. And now, with the help of SpursDynasty, you can measure the sincerity and intensity of your Spurs passion and find out whether or not you need to e-mail us an apology for having e-desecrated this shrine to Spurs glory with your filthy, infidel IP address.

"What doesn't kill a Spurs fan makes him stronger."

For those who haven’t shot themselves or jumped permanently off the bandwagon since Friday night, we present a simple quiz to measure the level of your disgust and outrage provoked by the Spurs’ loss – AT HOME – to a Lakers rotation that included Brian Cook, Devean George, Kwame Brown, Sasha Vujacic, Luke Walton, and Andrew Bynum.

The First Official SpursDynasty “Am I Worthy of the Distinction
of Being Allowed to Read SpursDynasty?” Purity Test

1. How did you react as the Spurs fell behind by double digits in the 1st quarter?
A. couldn’t stifle a crude oath of “Gosh darn it, Spurs!”
B. blamed Rasho Nesterovic reflexively, even though he wasn’t in the game and Nazr was stinking it up
C. vomited in my mouth a little and had to rinse my mouth out repeatedly with my Shiner Bock
D. stuck more pins in my Smush Parker voodoo picture

E. yelled at the “Make Some Noise” graphic on the AT&T Center jumbotron to go f*** itself
F. broke assorted pieces of furniture in my living room, then slashed my wrists and screamed “Why hast thou forsaken me?!”

2. How did you react when Barry and Udrih started to get the Spurs back into the game in the 3rd quarter?
A. I didn’t know the Spurs made a comeback, because like the pussy I am, I had given up on the game long before then.
B. I stopped watching my videotape of Game 6 of the 2003 Spurs-Lakers series long enough to watch a few replays of Spurs baskets.
C. I got so excited I stopped nursing my beer mournfully and started draining entire bottles after each good play.
D. I put my jersey back on and started a one-man wave in my living room.

"What is the sound of one hand high-fiving?"

E. My expletive-filled whooping and references to Kobe’s mother almost got me kicked out of the AT&T Center.
F. I promised Satan my firstborn son if he would help the Spurs win the game. (I would have sold my soul, but it was already in hock.)

3. How would you describe the way you viewed the game?
A. I changed the channel to a rerun of Saved by the Bell to spite the Spurs.
B. I felt bored and disappointed, but I left the game on while I clipped my nose hair and popped boils on my ass.
C. I observed the game stoically as I offered the Spurs my detached observations and constructive criticism via the NSA bug hidden in my TV.
D. I could only stop foaming at the mouth by turning the TV off.
E. I destroyed my TV midway through the second quarter in a fit of Hulk-like rage, stepping on and hopelessly crumpling my tinfoil hat in the process.

F. I stormed out of the AT&T Center when the game was clearly out of reach and proceeded to randomly assault pedestrians.

4. In general, how do you feel about the outcome of the game?
A. It sucks, but you have to cut the champs some slack. They had a tough schedule.
B. It made me briefly consider converting to Orthodox Lakerism before coming to my senses.
C. I feel as if someone had started a hugely popular website with photos of me standing outside naked in sub-zero weather.
D. Slightly worse than the time aliens gave me an anal probe.

E. Every time I think about it, I want to curse God’s name and burn down a church. Just as a prank, you see.
F. I am no longer capable of feeling, as I had to disconnect my amygdala to prevent a neural meltdown.

5. How would you describe the Spurs’ performance, on a scale of dried dung to fermented pus?
A. a rapidly eroding pile o’ desiccated poo
B. spoiled milk
C. bile ’n’ mucus cocktail
D. box o’ wine puke with chunks

Somebody really needs to tell whoever barfed this out to drink some water once in a while.

E. regurgitated elephant afterbirth
F. a pool of unspeakably disgusting bodily fluids fermenting in an equatorial jungle

6. What did you do after watching the game Friday night?
A. threw up my hands and consoled myself with the platitude that “well, there’s always the next game”
B. felt depressed for a while, but cheered myself up by listening to some Yanni
C. cried myself to sleep with a bottle of tequila
D. called my psychotherapist after having painful flashbacks to 2001, 2002, and 2004.

E. blamed myself for not burning enough photos of the Lakers and wearing enough Spurs merchandise to guarantee victory, and began planning my pre-game rituals for the next game against the Lakers
F. flew to L.A. to poke holes in condom boxes

7. What would you have done if you had been seated directly behind the Lakers’ bench?
A. sent distinctly unpleasant vibes toward the players while muttering mild oaths
B. made several loud references to the special amenities at Colorado hotels
C. thrown a beer cup at Phil Jackson to try to make him go Artest on me
D. verbally abused the towel boys for providing comfort and aid to the enemy
E. taken some steroids in the bathroom and then urinated in the Lakers’ Gatorade
F. shot spitballs laced with anthrax at the players on the bench, even if I died in the process

8. What would you have done if you had been seated directly behind the Spurs’ bench?
A. cheered the Spurs loudly after good plays
B. forced my entire section to sarcastically chant “MVP! MVP!” with a Slovenian accent after every jump shot by Beno Udrih
C. farted in their general direction
D. questioned the manhood of individual players

"I got CHUNKS of guys like you in my stool, Marks!"

E. taken off my Spurs jersey during a time out, spat on it melodramatically, and thrown it on the ground in full view of the players
F. out-Popped Pop until I induced an aneurysm

9. What did you imagine yourself saying to Tim Duncan after the game?
A. “It’s ok, Timmy, we know your feet hurt badly and that you had played an exhausting game less than 24 hours before. You’ll do better next time.”
B. “Hey, TD, did you forget you were being guarded by Chris Mihm, Kwame Brown, and an 18-year-old rookie?”
C. “What’s the matter, Tim, did Amy forget to take your testicles out of her purse before you left home? Next time, borrow one of Manu’s!”
D. “I’ve excreted loose, watery poo that could have played a better game than that! You’d better get your shit together, Tim, if you expect to have your number retired.”
E. I was so disgusted that I could not have seen him through the red haze of anger, nor could I have spoken coherently even if I’d managed to find him.
F. “Tim Duncan, you are dead to me.”

10. What are your plans for the next game against the Lakers?
A. I’ll watch it, as long as the episode of Saved by the Bell in which Screech loses his virginity to a hermaphrodite isn’t on.
B. I’ll TiVo it, but if they lose I won’t watch it. It would be too painful.
C. I’m awaiting it eagerly, because I’m going to thoroughly enjoy the carnage.
D. I’ve already put $500 on the Spurs to beat the spread, and I’m taking the next day off to go on a Spurs merchandise-buying spree.
E. I’m personally going to the Staples Center to teach Jack Nicholson what a proper hooligan is.

"No, YOU can't handle the truth, Jack! The Lakers suck ass!"

F. Rematch? The dead don’t play basketball. Neither do quadruple amputees.


Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for every question to which you answered A, 2 points for every B, 3 points for every C, etc.
10-30 points: Why is a Lakers fan on this site? Please leave before we have you thrown out or maimed.
31-56 points: You call yourself a Spurs fan? We hope you don’t live in San Antonio, because we find the profaning of holy ground extremely offensive.
57-58 points: Weak. While in some places you might be considered worthy of being called a Spurs fan, we here at SpursDynasty haven’t allowed our high standards to be corrupted by the general laxity and decadence of contemporary society. But please come back when you get your priorities in order.
59 points: This level of violent, unreasoning, slightly-less-than-all-consuming fanaticism is exactly what we’re looking for. Please contact us if you’d like to become a contributor to SpursDynasty.
60 points (full score): While we find your dedication to the Spurs quite impressive, we can’t help feeling a little disturbed. You should allow a non-Spurs-related thought to enter your head once in a while. A frontal lobotomy might also be helpful, and please, strongly consider getting spayed or neutered. Do it for the children—the children you shouldn’t bring into this world.

Obviously I’m no Sophocles, but I hope that this quiz has provided you with a constructive way to purge the negative emotions brought about by Friday’s debacle, so you can enjoy the rest of the season properly. May the mojo be with you, Spurs fans!

MVP in Tony's Future?

Steve Kerr thiks so.

After watching the San Antonio Spurs dismantle the Phoenix Suns 117-93 on Thursday night, two things were clear to me: One, Steve Nash is this season's Most Valuable Player, and two, Tony Parker may win the award in the future.

Though Parker ranks second in the NBA in field-goal percentage at 55 percent, most of Parker's shots have been taken in the paint. The Suns decided to guard him with Marion, the idea being to close off the lane and force Parker into jump shots.

The first part of Mike D'Antoni's plan worked – Marion kept Parker out of the lane – but what D'Antoni didn't count on was Parker making jump shot after jump shot.

Parker's marksmanship was just another example of his progress with shooting coach Chip Engelland, whom the Spurs hired this season specifically to work with Parker. Engelland adjusted Parker's thumb placement on the ball, getting him to widen the right thumb in order to get a better grip on the ball and to ensure that the release of the shot comes off his middle and forefingers. In the past, Parker's narrow hand placement led to the ball sliding off his outside fingers, which caused much of his inconsistency.

Engelland estimates that Parker's production from a revamped shot won't really blossom for a year or so, but in the meantime his improvement is apparent. Parker has also gotten smarter, using better shot selection to increase his field-goal percentage. After averaging close to 200 three-point attempts his first four years in the league, he has taken just 26 threes all season.

Parker now realizes that he is so fast and so adept at finishing in the lane that he doesn't ever have to take a shot outside 18 feet. But with more and more teams forcing him to make shots from the outside by packing the paint, Parker's improved shooting is imperative for the Spurs. When he begins to consistently make shots from the perimeter, as he did against the Suns, he will be virtually impossible to guard. And the Spurs will be very tough to beat.

So while Nash is the frontrunner to win the MVP award this season for his work in leading the Suns, his counterpart in San Antonio has the look of a future Most Valuable Player. And in all likelihood, if Phoenix plays the Spurs in the playoffs, the performances of each point guard will be the key to which team wins the series.

Pop on Top

We here at SpursDynasty have failed you, our fans, the people who don't pay the salaries we don't get for doing this site. We have neglected to inform you of an important milestone that occurred last week: the Spurs' victory over the Mavs was Pop's 500th victory in the NBA.

I could bore you with stats about how Pop has one of the highest winning percentages of all coaches in NBA history, and how fast he got those 500 wins compared to other great coaches in NBA history, and how his playoff winning percentage is even more impressive, given the higher level of competition in the playoffs. But I won't do that. If you want to inflict statistical boredom on yourself, click away. Really, there's only one thing that matters: players know they have to

if they want to win an NBA championship. In a recent poll of NBA players - in which players were not allowed to vote for their own coach, mind you - Pop was voted the best coach in the NBA by a wide margin. Players know these things, people.

In other Dr. Seuss news, although the Spurs' domination of the West was briefly interrupted when they lost to Sam "I am" Cassell and the Clippers on Tuesday night, they got right back on track last night.

I will shoot it in the key.

I will nail the open 3.

I will pose with Big TD while I hold my new trophy.

Once again, TP nailed the outside shot consistently to help the Spurs bitchslap the Suns. Of course, the game was meaningless since the Suns didn't have Amare Stoudemire, Steve Nash, Kurt Thomas, or their regular backup point guard, Leandro Barbosa, but it was nice to see TP canning jumper after jumper...AGAIN. I'm telling you people, if I were Jerry Falwell, I would be talking about this as one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

"And a great Beast will rise in the West and destroy all who oppose him with an unstoppable array of shots from all over the court. And you will know the Beast by his number, and the number of the Beast is 9!"

If TP does this in the playoffs, it's going to be damn hard for any team to beat the Spurs, even with TD not at full strength.

Bramlet's Thoughts on the Spurs' Win Over the Lakers

Seven in a row over the Lakers. Damn satisfying, even if the team is a shadow of its former overhyped greatness. Let's make it eight on Friday.

Kobe "Second Coming" Bryant is amazing. But once again, individuals will never beat the Spurs. Especially when their teammates suck ass.

Does anyone else want to slap Smush Parker's danglers? There's something extremely annoying about that guy.

Nice to see Manu hit his outside shot: 4 of 5 3's, all in the span of just a few minutes. If he can start getting to the rim again, the Spurs will be in great shape. He's penetrating and dishing nicely, but he sure hasn't taken it all the way to the hole with any kind of consistency recently. Obviously still struggling with his ankle injuries, but Bramlet thinks it's more mental than physical.

Tony Parker is a MAN. He took it straight to whoever tried to guard the rim, just as he's done in almost every game this season. It's no surprise at this point, but some of his moves still amaze Bramlet, especially when he gets hit and still manages to finish against much bigger, stronger defenders.

Another thing about TP: three straight long jumpers in the 4th. Bramlet's been saying he's clutch on those for a while now. Bramlet would love to see what his percentage is on outside shots in the 4th quarter this season. Word from Sean Elliott is that they're getting ready to unleash his 3-pointer on the L. Can you say "unstoppable"?

Yet another observation about TP: Phil put Lamar Odom on him at one point. That's something we're going to see more and more, as historically it has been tall, long, athletic defenders who have given him the most trouble - point guards don't have a squirrel's chance in Shanghai of stopping him consistently. I'm sure every coach in the league noticed the fits that LeBron gave him a few weeks ago. Fortunately, there's only one LeBron. But this is a tactic Tony will have to learn to overcome, and his improved outside shot will help him do that. Mark Bramlet's words: we'll see teams do this in the playoffs.

For those who harp on Finley's shooting percentage: this dude has come up big down the stretch for us more times than Bramlet can count - of course, that may have more to do with Bramlet's exponentially regressing* math skills than Finley's greatness. The Spurs can live with his shooting slumps, because other guys will pick up the slack when he's cold, and when he's hot, they destroy teams.

After this post, Bramlet will cease to refer to himself in the 3rd person.

Bramlet out.

*Yes, Bramlet is aware of the irony of this choice of words.

Bowen Wins An Oscar

And the winner for best player in a supporting role is ... Bruce Bowen.

Bruce Bowen and Chris Paul are exactly the type of players the United States needs to regain its position on top of the basketball world.

There are still superstars: Kobe Bryant and LeBron James headline the team. But Colangelo also left room for players like Bowen, whose willingness to focus on defense is one of the keys to the success of the NBA champion San Antonio Spurs.

"When you mention role players, certain names pop out almost immediately and I think right at the top of that list is Bruce Bowen," Colangelo said. "He's tough, he's a competitor, he's absolutely a blender, so when you look up the description of role player in the dictionary you might see a picture of Bruce Bowen."

Top 10 Reasons Why the Mavs Will Never Beat the Spurs in a Playoff Series

10. Avery Johnson's secret loyalty to the Spurs. #6 ain't getting retired in Dallas!

9. As much as everyone talks about the Mavs' improved D (and it has improved), the main reason for their opponents' lower scoring average this season is their much slower pace. Statistics don't lie, but they sure can fool you.

8. They start Degasana "No O" Diop at center, and they bring Erick "Worst Contract Ever" Dampier off the bench. And if they go small, the Spurs will match 'em.

7. They rely too much on one-on-one plays. The Mavericks rank near the bottom of the league in assists per game. Granted, they have a lot of gifted scorers, but individuals will never beat the Spurs. See "Stoudemire, Amare."

6. The Spurs beat them in a game they wanted badly, with TD and Manu both hurting. Yeah, the Mavs were a bit banged up as well, but imagine how much better the Spurs would have been last night with Tim and Manu at 100%. In the playoffs, teams have a much easier and more regular schedule, so our guys will get plenty of rest with relatively little travel.

5. Dirk "Diggler" Nowitzki still misses getting trashed with Nash.

4. We've still got the mastermind on our side. AJ's a great disciple, but he's no Darth Tater. He's still the learner.

3. Because we're willing to bite a mu'f***er to win, baby. See below.

2. Still too much pussitude on the roster, in the form of one man. No team for which Keith "Gaping Vagina" Van Horn plays significant minutes will ever win a championship. Cut him and sign Charles Oakley* in his place, AJ!

1. Bruce "Diggler's My Bitch" Bowen:

* I don't care if he's retired. His mere presence on the bench in place of Van Horn would make the Mavs a more intimidating team. Teams would know that if they beat the Mavs, they'll have to be looking over their shoulder as they leave the arena.


Having said all this, I still recognize that the Mavs are a dangerous and ever-improving team. And there's no guarantee that the Spurs will be healthy going into the playoffs. If they are, however, the Mavs have little hope in a 7-game series. But no, it's not really because Van Horn is a pussy. It's just fun to pick on poor ol' Keith.

Robert Horry Bites Jerry StackhouseSpurs Beat Mavericks

The look on Avery Johnson's face, and the final score, says it all.

(Props to Drew for catching this, and to TiVo for making screen capture possible.)

UPDATE: Various news sources have reported on the incident, but surprisingly, all express uncertainty about whether Horry actually bit Stackhouse. From ESPN:

The Mavericks believe Horry bit Stackhouse during the scuffle, which Horry denied. Replays showed Horry possibly biting Stackhouse's arm.

"We saw it and are on it," Mavericks owner Mark Cuban told The Dallas Morning News. "We will send it into the league, and I'm sure he will be suspended."